Time Travellers Guide - Part 4

Sports Guide.

On any given Sunday there are thousands of people engaged in a battle of wills to the death, where lots of money is spent and much abuse is endured. Then they leave the church and head off to a sports ground. In the future humans grow out of the need for sports, money, religion and sex. However, at this point of time it is still important as a mating ritual whereby Neanderthal wannabes can pickup drunk woman.

Some of the more common sports in NZ include.

Rugby :  The classic way for NZ males to show their man love for each other. As people run down the field you are meant to hug them. This is called a tackle.  For some reason you are only allowed to hug the opposition. For when things get really emotional there a big group hug known as a scrum. They keep a track of who hugs/tackles the most other players. Oh yes, an oval ball is involved somehow, but I haven’t figured that bit out yet. One difference between New Zealand and the United States is that when New Zealand holds a World Championship, they invite other countries.

Soccer : Not as friendly as Rugby, they keep trying to kick each other in the shins. Called the ‘Beautiful Game’ because the players are much prettier than Rugby players.

Netball :  Girls can be violent too.  Instead of kicking each other in the shins, this involves a move called ‘The Body Slam’.  You then throw a ball through a hoop to celebrate.

Cricket : One of the most obscure games ever invented, a primitive form of jogging with lots of ad breaks. One of the aims seems to be to try and hit the spectators with a hard ball. Because they are so far away they have to hit the ball with a club.

Horse racing: A primitive form of motor sport. Beware; a different product comes out of the rear exhaust pipe.

Golf : Why?

There are many other sports, and if you aren’t good at a sport then make up your own like Rhythmic Gymnastics or Synchronised Drowning. 

Caught you later.

The Time Travellers Guide – Part 3

Does and Don’t of Time Travel

The first thing to remember about travelling in the space-time continuum is that it is very elastic. There is very little that you can do to damage the future.  Having said that, here are some does and don’ts for you to think about.

Do  put aside some long term investments. Set up a trust and buy lots of shares and bonds.  Do not invest in US bonds or shares as the U.S. economy melts down after they elect George W. Bush the Third as president. When you return to the future you will be rich. Good shares to invest in are Thor Helicopters and Hamilton Space Services.

Do get all your vaccinations before you travel in time. You will need inoculations for politics, religion and advertising.

Do get your body polarised before you travel down time. Because of the lack of the solar shield, a lot of UV radiation gets through. And there is some truth to those legends concerning spontaneous human combustion. When polarised your body will have a pretty jewel like sparkle in sunlight.

Do note that science fiction is not written as comedy. Star Trek, Doctor Who, Torchwood and Babylon 5 are dramas!.

Don’t worry about killing your grandfather. It can’t be done. Try it. We dare you.

Don’t sleep with your grandmother. If you do kill your grandfather, then this is an absolute no-no. You don’t want to explain to your children why you are your own grandpa.

Don’t let on that there are aliens living on the Earth.  At the moment the extra-terrestrial population of Earth is approximately 100,000,000. Of these about one percent live in New Zealand.  Just remember, giant squids are not originally from this planet. For any information on alien affairs, contact Agents J or K.

Don’t worry about changing the future. You’ve already done it. If you change the future, then only you will know.  There was that time I slept with Marilyn Monroe, and because of that Kennedy was killed. You didn’t know that time had changed at that point.

Next time : The Mechanics of Time Travel

ORCBALL PRACTICE - September 2010
A game that we play in this part of the world. Orcball is usually played between teams of five or eight players.  The University of Waikato Orcball League starts compettitions shortly. This is just a bit of knock around practice until the season starts. You can see me killing my teammate at the end. Atually, she didn't die, but she did have a sore back for a week or so.  Sorry about that partner.

Time Travellers Guide - Part 2

Things to do in the 21^st century

There are many things to do in the 21^st century that you can’t do at home.  Here are some thoughts on things most tourists try at least once.

Go to the Rio Olympics in 2012. That prophecy was right about the Olympic movement.

You can go for a swim in the ocean. You will not dissolve. That is only observed from 2022 onwards.

Avoid boxing matches. This has a totally different meaning in the 21^st century. There is no cardboard to be seen anywhere.

Don’t bother going to an All Blacks game. At the moment they are at their low point. Of course, they do win the 2051, 55 and 59 World Cups, but that’s only after they clone Buck Shelford and reinstate him as the All Black captain. Instead watch the All-Whites in their campaign to win the 2014 World Cup. Their surprising victory and 1000 to 1 payout leads to a major investigation into organised crime and match fixing. 

Go to Church. There are performances in most neighbourhoods on Sunday mornings.  While religion is a mass delusion caused by a strontium deficiency, try not to laugh at their beliefs: even if they are funny. Don’t applaud the sermon. Tipping in church is encouraged.

Try horse riding. Horses don’t get equal rights until 2115, so you don’t have to ask the horse for their permission. (Bareback riding means sitting on a horses back).

Try vegetarian cooking. First catch your vegetarian. Just joking. There isn’t much meat on a vegetarian, so you will need to catch two vegetarians for a good meal. Note, Girl Guide biscuits are not made with real Girl Guides. And baby powder is disturbing for other reasons.

This is your last chance to watch television before it starts watching you.

Have lots of sex, both straight and hetro. Just don’t have sex with your future self. You don’t know where you have been.

Next time : Does and don’ts for the time traveller.

Technology and me

Here I am; I have gone to all the trouble of getting cameras and making a studio so that I can record balloon animals and Orcball and rocket launches, and then my soundcard doesn't work, so I can't edit. Damn those drivers. I was trying to get the best possible sound. But then I am used to life being full of disappointments.

On the upside. I wasn't in Christchurch when the Earthquake hit. I am sure that it woke me up, but I was far enough away that there was no damage. I hope that my country men and women are safe and can get on with their lives quickly.